Balance- drill vs spar

Impromptu no-gi open mat at Cindy’s.

I rolled with Cindy, Lamont, Peter, and Jay. Continuing the theme of trying to wean myself off the fruitless Clench-N-Cling. A little success, but still needs a lot more work. This is going to be a hard habit to break.

Still feel like I’m always on that knife-edge of furious frustrated tears. When I try to tell myself to STOP THAT, the next exit on that turnpike appears to be defeatist apathy… when I saw *THAT* looming up, I veered the emotional steering wheel hastily back to "furious sobbing frustration". If there’s anything I want LESS than I want furious sobbing frustration, it’s deafeatist apathy.

Twice I had a perfect technical side control on Lamont, and he simply picked me up by the thigh and bicep and flipped me over him to land helplessly on my back. That’s what made me want to cry tonight. It drives me crazy when I know I’m doing everything right, everything technical, and the guy just does whatever he wants to me anyway. It makes me feel like, what’s the use? I might as well just lie there like a rag doll and be as helpless as I am. And Lamont’s not even a really big guy.

I’ve actually had very little "learning new technique" and drilling BJJ since the tournament. Almost all of the BJJ I’ve done in the last two weeks has been sparring. The schedule just fell out that way for me. I wonder if that has anything to do with my attitude problems lately. I have at times thought it might actually be a good thing for me to lay off trying to learn lots of random new things and just attempt to focus on my basics and problem areas for a while. But maybe I need that non-competitive, less emotionally frustrating drilling time to balance out all of the getting-my-butt-kicked. It might be a good idea for me to ask someone to drill with me (my three escapes from side control) at the edge of the mat for part of the time instead of sparring, if my schedule continues to have me hitting mostly sparring days as opposed to lesson days.

(pic- that’s Jay on the right)

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