Writers’ Block

I’m having a heck of a time with my "What does your training mean to you?" assignment.

I am finding myself uncharacteristically inarticulate. Anyone who reads my training blog (which, BTW, will be one year old next week) is probably guffawing right now at the thought that I can’t come up with a page or two of anything to say about my training. But it’s true. I’ve tried starting from scratch, and I’ve tried approaching it by beginning with a history of how I first got into training this and training that. I’ve tried answering a hypothetical person who asks me, "Why do you do this?" In all cases, I get about half a page in and delete in disgust.

Part of the problem is that- while I always felt deeply about this- the point at which normal training transitioned into obsession was somewhat dysfunctional. I had had a difficult breakup, and was using MA training as a drug to try to kill enough time until I came out the other side of the spinning, sucking, endless black-hole-vortex of pain. I literally slept with my jian at night. At the time, obsessive MA training was certainly the best option out of a number of more self-destructive, homocidal and sociopathic paths that I was contemplating. Of course, MA was more than that before…. and is a lot more than that now. But I never fully recovered from that event, and in some respects must admit that I am still using MA training as a drug.

Not the sort of thing you really want to put under the microscope… or confess to one of your teachers. It’s even the sort of thing that might hurt one’s chances of further advancement in an organization like this, if that was a concern. I could certainly come up with a few pages of what I think CN wants to hear. But (as anyone who reads my training blog also knows) I have a low tolerance for BS. Besides, BS’ing my way through it would negate the point of the assignment- what *I* think the point should be, anyway- since I don’t know what CN’s point is.

This photo is from the last Revolution; that’s Bianca- GETTING choked for a change.

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