Here a tap, there a tap, everywhere a tap tap.

Today was rather humiliating and disheartening.

Ten minutes of warm-up followed by a long series of six-minute spars. Too many people to go all at once, so we had a spar, a break, a spar, etc.

Sonia three or four times. The woman did *NOT* get a tap on me, but I spent alot of time underneath her and also trapped in her not-quite-solid-enough-to-finish triangle.

Dave. I must have had four or five guys all calling advice to me from the sidelines. I managed to escape his backmount once (he made me work really hard for it), but other than that, it was all me defending and mostly on the bottom. He kimura’d me once; I don’t think he got any other subs on me today.

Ron twice. Ron is getting better and better. I asked him how much he wieghs- it’s only a few pounds more than me, but he is solid muscle and SO strong. Very technical. His spider guard is almost impossible to get out of, and his hooking toes are everywhere. He can do whatever he wants with me at this point. He’s usually pretty controlled and safe to roll with, but today he got back mount and gi-choked me; I started to tap on his foot and he grabbed my pants and yanked my spine into an unnatural cheezit-shape. This also served to yank my hand away from his foot and I couldn’t reach anything to tap on; and it also squeezed the air out of my lungs in an involuntary gasp so that I couldn’t verbally tap either. It’s scary when you need to tap and you CAN’T. Thought my back was going to break. after a few more seconds, I managed to breathe a tiny "tap" and thank Gods, he heard me and let go. I told him that that one had been a little too hard and fast.

Worst was a four-stripe white belt guy that I’ve never seen before. Rodrigo paired us up- and I think I may have gotten too complacent about the idea that Rodrigo tries to not pair me up with Spazzes. I didn’t give the guy my "Go Light On Me" speech, and he came in like a freight train. Wrapped my lapel around my face in the first fifteen seconds and choked/cranked me very violently. I tapped as fast as I could, but not before my lip split. (Now I’m going to spend the rest of the week looking like Lisa Rinna.)

So I gave him my speech (I think a little piece of my spirit dies every time I have to do this…. I wonder how much I have left, after having done it about a zillion times?), and he apologized, and then he tapped me again in about fifteen seconds. He apologized a second time. It had still been a little too fast and hard for my liking, but it had been a big improvement on round one- so I said, "That was fine. I don’t mind getting tapped, just as long as it’s not REALLY fast and hard." So then he tapped me again, and again, and again, and again, and again.

I was feeling frustrated and humiliated, and found myself resisting tapping, even though I had figured out pretty quick that this situation had high potential for serious injury for me. Why do I do that? Is it really going to make me feel any better about myself to hold out for an extra four seconds and risk getting my rotator cuff torn out and being on the bench for weeks or months? Actually, I don’t really give a ^&$% about that question. What I *REALLY* want to know is, how much longer and harder am I going to have to work before I am competant enough to not be owned by EVERYONE????!!!!??? I am really tired of this crap.

Finished out the class with the tiny new woman, Lisa. She is smaller than me. She has the Pepto-Bismol-pink gi, too. I mounted her, corrected her sloppy upa attempt, and then rolled light with her, getting mount repeatedly to make her practice the upa. I scissor-swept her a few times (that is just so much fun), and let her get a few guard passes (but only after she sweated for them a little). She was huffing and puffing. Next time I work with her, I need to say something about her breathing… this time I was still too preoccupied with my own problems to worry that much about hers.

I was feeling too dispirited to hang around for open mat.

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