There is no training involved today, so skip this blog entry unless you get off on painful interpersonal drama.
Well, we "DISCUSSED" it. See today’s title for the result.
I confronted JM first in the locker room, and informed her that she really hurt my feelings. I asked her why they did that, and she told me that they just "forgot". I was completely mortified to find the waterworks starting. That had not been part of tonight’s script. She went to hug me, and I stormed out.
I went outside and walked up and down the sidewalk for a while, trying to get a grip. Then I came back inside and sulked downstairs while they did class. JB was late. When she came in and saw me sitting there and asked me if I was okay, I was further mortified to find the waterworks starting AGAIN. But she was really sweet; she hugged me and listened to me vent…. and then she double-checked her cell and showed me a text from SK on the night in question asking *HER* if she was going to be at class. So the "We just forgot" defense gets even less plausible in light of the fact that we remembered JB, but only forgot Kitsune.
So when class finished, I took them outside on the sidewalk and ripped them up one side and down the other (verbally only, I hasten to add). I didn’t cry again- to my vast relief- although I had to do some yelling in order to STOP myself from starting to cry. I got to say (well, yell) everything I needed to say, which was good. They stood there and gave me full attention while I did it, which was good. They had no satisfactory explanation for their behavior, which was bad. Nor did they have anything to say to re-establish my confidence that they actually WANT to train with me and want me around, which was bad. I’m also fairly sure that SK never really grokked what was wrong with his behavior- even after I tried to explain it eight or ten times in different ways. At one point I actually demanded if he was being deliberately obtuse or if he truly didn’t comprehend why this was not cool. JM, I think, may have grasped the salient problem issue better, even if she seemed to think I was blowing it out of proportion (which of course I am…. $hit, is that woman always right about EVERYTHING???!!!??? )
They asked how to fix this- which was good. I don’t know how to fix it, which was bad. We certainly can’t fix the fact that I missed their first promotions. Right now I’m feeling like they do not value either my presence training with them nor place any priority on being considerate about my feelings. They didn’t have anything to say to convince me otherwise.
Anyway…. we said what we had to say, I found their contribution to be insufficient, I asked them to wait on the sidewalk a minute while I ran back inside, then I came out and informed them that JB would be out shortly and that she would drive them home, and I got in my Jeep and drove away and left them there.
I know I’m overreacting, and this must read like ravings from someone who’s taken some tainted heroin or something- but they really hurt my feelings, and now I feel so rejected and unwanted that I don’t want to be in their presence. It is what it is; I own my feelings, and I’m not afraid to say them to SK’s and JM’s faces as well as put them down here.
I hope we can get this resolved somehow; right now I don’t know what to do to fix it. I don’t want this to be a permanent schism, but I am still feeling really hurt and angry. I know I am probably not going to want some space for a while and to not be in class with them. Maybe a break from the Shaolin group would do me good. I can still make some BJJ classes; ones that I know they won’t be at.
Cindy also came out at one point while I was sitting downstairs waiting for class to end, and was really nice about asking if I was okay and if there was anything she could do. It was so good to feel that bit of support from JB and from Cindy tonight.
Hmmm…. I wish SK and JM could take groveling lessons from CN. CN once done me wrong and I got really upset with him… he wrote me an apologetic e-mail that- even as I was reading it with steam still coming out of my ears- I was thinking, "Damn, this is good stuff. I wonder where he learned how to do this. I should take some notes so that the next time I eff up, I can grovel like this." It was so abject and sincere that it evaporated all my anger and hurt right away. And even if it hadn’t, I would have forgiven him anyway just because the apology was such a stunning masterwork. He got full points. CN gives Good Grovel.
SK’s and JM’s skills need a lot of work.