I am sooooooooooooooooo sick of angsting about these issues that are derailing my kung fu training. I lay awake half the day yesterday tossing and turning.
CK is in town. It’s probably going to be impossible to avoid multiple conversations with CK on this topic. As tempting as it is to ask/wish that someone with more pull (like CK) would intercede on my behalf, even a best case scenario would be merely a bandaid on the real problem.
I have finally coalesced The Real Problem from an encyclopedia down to one salient point: a question of investment.
I got very emotionally, mentally, physically and spiritually invested in this path. Hitting the glass ceiling has been terribly difficult, disappointing, and frustrating.
I’m afraid that even if the barriers vanished, trying to progess- and getting even more invested- may well end with me crashing against yet another glass ceiling a little further on.
*THAT* is why I keep seesawing wildly between thinking, "If DD ever agreed to train me, I’d jump at that with both feet," and the next minute, "If DD agreed to train me at this point, I’d say no thanks."
Is it possible to do this without being invested? Is it possible to just take whatever may become available and be okay if there’s a brick wall beyond it? Or is the INVESTMENT part of what makes this different- more than just a hobby.